I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward