I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
oh good, now I can stop drinking
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”