I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
You Might Also Like
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.