I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet