I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!