I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
*bites zombie*
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does