@Matt_The_1st: I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
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@StevieKnip: Cop: Hey U! U: who, me? Cop: no the other 1! 1: who, me? Cop: both of U! W: who, us? Cop: Yes you! U: Who, me? Cop: No! No: yes?
@thenoahkinsey: *therapist writes in pad* Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me- *therapist jumps* Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
@Fickle_Filly: The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief: - denial - anger - strong language - moderate violence - a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
@YesThatAmy: What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!?!