I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
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[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
anyone else like Italian cereal
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF