If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
6: are snakes just neck?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.