“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
You Might Also Like
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Warm pools make me nervous.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever