I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
somebody come look at this
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
*weighs self after shaving
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah