When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
what
Writing, She Murdered.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.