It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
hear me out : pockets for your socks
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Noah was an idiot.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Stick it to the man
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no