@TheMichaelRock: I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don't even have to be gay, it's just a fun thing to do.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can't hear the kids. Wife: You should shake it out. Me: Why would I want to do that?
@briangaar: Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? "Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?"