When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.