If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.