Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”