On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
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Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.