I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
this came to me in a vision
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Netflix and scream at our children?!