I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
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[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Dead sexy!!
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.