I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
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Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me My dog
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
never ask a starfish for directions
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.