I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
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if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!