[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
This is not me but this is me
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.