This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
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At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.