@kellysdf: I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
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@murrman5: [having daughter's new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner] so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
@RdrJay47: Me: Wow, you're glowing. Her: Aaaaww, thank you! Me: No, like radioactive... Her: . . . Me: Tone down the filters?