@kellysdf: I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
@DanOverHere: Facebook needs an "I've already seen this on Twitter" button.
@TobyHater: Fax? Why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?
@Dr_powpow: Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.
@Marcmywords2: Tequila doesn't make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
@CodyJP9412: HER: What're you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.