I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?