I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
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I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Nice try, poison.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Probably my best painting.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?