I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
It’s a gift
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.