@omgthatspunny: I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
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@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.
@ChrisThayerSays: I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
@weinerdog4life: Don't ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
@david8hughes: [meeting at round table] "King Arthur, if I may?" "Go ahead." "Castles but bouncier." "Bouncy castles?" "But you gotta take your shoes off."