“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
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Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.