@jazmasta: I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.
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@daplusk: The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,nnShe didn't even know I was in the cupboard.
@Audenary: ME: Who is your favourite philosopher? PROFESSOR: It's Hume. ME: Sorry - whom is your favourite philosopher?
@hippieswordfish: DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there
@crylenol: I crunched the numbers and this is just incredible. what isn't he telling us. #Sharknado3