@jazmasta: I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.
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@Maxine12333: You know you're getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
@iamburtjarvis: [starbucks] me: can i take some wifi home with me? barista: um. sure(?) me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
@mewritesgood: I set my kid's dollhouse on fire then asked: DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?! DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?! Life lessons