@jazmasta: I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.
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@cbme69: [Leaving ballgame] Officer: have you been drinking? Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can't afford to get drunk there.
@SaraESpivey: When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
@Reverend_Scott: Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram.
@NervousJr: There's awkward, and then there's listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.