if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
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[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty