@Sickayduh: I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair
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@SatansTongue: (First date) Me: Don't let her know you're a satanist Her: So what do you do for fun? Me: ＷＨＡＴＥＶＥＲ ＴＨＥ ＤＡＲＫ ＬＯＲＤ ＣＯＭＭＡＮＤＳ
@3sunzzz: Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head* Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
@hippieswordfish: [1st date] *stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous 'u know ur eating a candle right?' yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that
@KateWhineHall: My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it's my husband.