I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
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[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.