@TheWoodenslurpy: I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.
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@gogglepossum: [1st date] Me: don't let him know you're a lobster Him: we should check out my hot-tub later Me: 'yeah...sure' *nervously clicks claws*
@SamDelanche: I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with "aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!"
@SerialFuckup: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.