Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
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i want to work in this restaurant
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.