I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t