I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
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coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
❤️🦆
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.