I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
She: I like Cats
He:
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.