@fuzzlime: I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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@murrman5: [in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
@PaulGibson1963: Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on "too many kids" & "making it look accidental." Found my iPad but haven't seen her all day.
@TweetingDadGuy: Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.
@SucculentPizza: Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I've narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube