I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…