I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast