I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You Might Also Like
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free