I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
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at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
You’ll be OK
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Why are bridges so flammable.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…