@SamDelanche: I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: 16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said "Listen to it, it'll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
@joeljeffrey: They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I've spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
@Cheeseboy22: I'll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
@Prof_Hinkley: [After 20 min at your house] I used all your toilet paper "Check in the cabine-" All of it "We have more in the gar-" All of it all of it