AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[eulogy]
line?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Siri, fight Alexa.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
LOL!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?