@SamDelanche: I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
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@rickolantern: *replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one...watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
@neiltyson: Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
@KevinFarzad: People are often shocked when I tell them I'm single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.
@Beerhaze: If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.