@MelvinofYork: I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
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@CaucasianJames: Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast Me: eggs Doctor: Me: ok reese’s eggs
@SamPsychMeds: *toddler screaming in car seat* Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home. Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
@bananagrvyrd: So apparently you're supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot