@MelvinofYork: I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
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@TheMichaelRock: Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.
@DamienFahey: I've never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn't shout, "We legally had to do this."
@AristotlesNZ: Yea? Well who died & made you Batman? Oh crap..that's right. Bruce, I'm so sorry. Come on, dude, don't cry. Seriously, where you going?
@huntigula: [snowman rings doorbell] Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a "snow blower" and was wondering where I might find one.