@MelvinofYork: I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@adamzopf: I'd run a marathon but I don't know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
@TheWoodenslurpy: To people calling themselves "Grammar Nazis": you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.
@OnlyFastEddie: The closest I've ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
@amydillon: To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says "Don't worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains."