I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Tell the colonel to bring it
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.