I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?