@bambimygirl: I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
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@ValeeGrrl: Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I'm comin down with something Me: lol ok whatever Kid: *tiny cough* Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA
@DillDoes: Being a worm must great. Its like "wow that dirt was great I hope there's more" and there always is
@TheRomanParker: Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out? *unfollows *blocks *stews *hires assassin on Craigslist *unblocks to monitor situation
@ixix82: By 33, you'd think I'd have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.