The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped