@bambimygirl: I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
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@tastefactory: People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
@PrestoVision: her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
@DurtMcHurtt: [making out] ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand* GIRLFRIEND: omg really? ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.