I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.