EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
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Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
oh my god
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.