I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.