[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”