I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys