I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
San Francisco has too many rules
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear