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@fatherofcomedy: I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
@zachheltzel: I DIDN'T SAFELY EJECT MY FLASH DRIVE AND NOW MY DOG IS DEAD
@MandiAtRandom: It's been 5 years now. I'm afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
@tuckerflodman: To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,"Hey why'd you start without me?"
@stephenjmolloy: 'Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?' - instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
@noneofyours99: Things I hate