I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
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It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
The struggle is real.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”