@bourgeoisalien: I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream 'SURPRISE' directly in my cat's face
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@XplodingUnicorn: My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there's poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
@krisv_723: *on phone Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright. NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am. Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.